I cut and bleed,
I cry but that's just me.
I'm not happy of who I am or what I could do;
but no, I don't wish I was you.
I lay on the floor
because you say it's what I should do sadly I agree with you.
I felt I was falling for you.
But now it's just what I do.
I felt like I was falling down
I knew it was true when I hit the ground,
I wanna scream;
but I can't do it when your with me.
Your the one who makes me breathe,
your the one who holds me as I sleep,
when your there I can't speak-
but that's just me.
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Canary word: Present
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,734 Reviews
I do agree with the others but I won't force anything down your throat - I'll try and be as constructive as I can.
This is poetry written from the heart. Which is good! (A lot of poets have trouble expressing their feelings in the first place.) Now you have the basic idea, try and work it into something more accessible. Something which we can relate to. At the moment, we have no idea why the speaker doesn't wish she was the object of her tears mixed with blood, or why this person should mean so much to her.
What I'm getting at is this poem has too much telling:
"I felt I was falling for you.
But now it's just what I do."
The use of 'was/were' here is a common problem for many novice poets. Instead of simply telling the audience "I was falling for you," strive to show us what you mean. Use images! Images are great for pulling readers into the action; they make their imaginations work instead of lightly taking it all in. They make them empathise with you, like this:
"I felt like someone jumping,
falling towards the ground,
trying desperately to pull their weight
away into space."
Something like that. Images and the active voice make your feelings seem fresher, more immediate, more engaging. And that is what we as poets strive for all the time.
Good luck!
Gahks
It wasn't really a good poem. No offence. In fact, I don't really think it could be called a poem at all.
I'm not going to comment at all on it being 'emo' poetry because I've written a poem roughly the same as this about self-harm. An 'emo' poem if you would care to call it such.
What I will say is, nope. It didn't do anything for me. At all. A tip to make a poem good. Don't stray into subjects like that. Just think about something you feel particularly strong about and put your feelings onto a piece of paper, in a poem.
I hope that made sense. Sorry if I was a bit mean there.
Okay..you know what? No offense to any of you that this goes to, but someone needs to flush most of these people down the toilet! Ya'll's minds are already made up, because of the title, before you even read it! By God, if it is emo poetry then it has to be horrible! I thought it was really good! And all of you who are going to say "well, you just need to grow up and handle this more maturely" can forget it! Yes, I have anger issues when it comes to this stuff and people telling me that! October Girl you just keep writing whatever you want to hun, because not one of these people can tell you that this beautiful piece of art is bad. They are just jealous! This poem has feeling to it and has it's own everything! I am in total agreement with Lordgluzman! Rock on! I loved it and it was really good. Gadi, you might think that the people who wrote this stuff changed, but I bet you a million bucks that they didn't. They probably just stopped posting it on here. DUH! Anyway I don't want to get in trouble for saying to much so I must go.
Peace, Love, Chiken Grease!
That was a really good poem. I can't really think of anything to add to that. But I do have one little thing I was a little confused on, when you say "I lay on the floor" shouldn't it be "I lie on the floor" or even "I laid on the flood" because the rest of the poem is past-tense. It went back and forth to present and past so if I were you I would go back over that. But really, it was good over all.
~M
I, personally, thought it was a good poem. Every one has probably felt this way in there life. My critique is just a little thing that can be fixed easily.
You have that.This is how I SUGGEST you write it, (DO AS U PLZ THO)
I lay on the floor
because you say it's what I should do,
sadly I agree with you.
I felt I was falling for you.
But now it's just what I do.
IMAGERY--emerald grass swished in heavy wind
As much as you can, shove it in.
METAPHORE--the sun kissed the valley.
This should be required in every poem.
RHYTHM--La-la, la-la; la-la-la, la-la-la...
It isn't a poem without rhythm.
SOUND--Sally said summer sleep sounds scary; The tan is a fad, pal.
Makes the reader amused.
MESSSAGE--hate, love, hope.
What do you want to say?
this is definitly emo stuff- the ones who have no exprasion on their face- i like the sadness but not the cold emo mood
Dude I really disagree what you said.
She gave a message and it was sadnees and pain.
I think you did well but it was to short.
Sometimes you need to let it out you didnt finnish the poem fully,but I could feel the sadness of the poem. Dont forget to do it longer.
I can say that I did like the flow of the poem and those parts that rhymed did not annoy me - as they often do - so you've done well there.
I do, however, have to agree with gladi on this one. That is mainly an emo poem. which is sad, because some changes of wording and a bit more description -and therefore imagery - will take this up a level into a real poem. It is not just your siubject matter - make no mistake - it is also how it is written. You can almost hear the whine in the narrators voice. It is most off putting. Re-wording this will do wonders.
I think you have some promise, gladi's advice is good and remember to just keep practicing. It helps. ^^
*Hearts* Le Penguin.
Mmmmm.
Terrible, terrible. This is what people call "emo" poetry. It's nonesense really. It's just words that rhyme--and I bet you right now millions of people all over the world are working at it to write the same poem you just did.
Here are five things that you need to have in a poem--otherwise, it's not good:
IMAGERY--emerald grass swished in heavy wind
As much as you can, shove it in.
METAPHORE--the sun kissed the valley.
This should be required in every poem.
RHYTHM--La-la, la-la; la-la-la, la-la-la...
It isn't a poem without rhythm.
SOUND--Sally said summer sleep sounds scary; The tan is a fad, pal.
Makes the reader amused.
MESSSAGE--hate, love, hope.
What do you want to say?
This poem had NONE! NONE!
In the future, try to refrain from this type of poetry and use the techniques from above to express your losses and failures and sadness.
And don't worry--probably half the poets on this site started this way, but they CHANGED.
PM me for any questions!
Some one relpy.......